Nine years ago today, I lost my mom. It’s a day that brings a whirlwind of emotions, not just because of her absence, but because of the complicated relationship we had. My mom was mentally abusive, and growing up under her shadow was incredibly challenging. Her words and actions left deep scars, and for a long time, I struggled with feelings of resentment and pain.
When she passed away, I was confronted with a confusing mix of grief and relief. I had to come to terms with the fact that I never had the nurturing, loving mother that many people talk about. Instead, I had to find myself and rebuild my identity without her influence. It was a journey of self-discovery, learning to heal from the past and create a future where I could thrive.
Grieving someone who caused you pain is a unique and difficult process. It’s not just about mourning their loss, but also grieving the relationship you wished you had. I had to let go of the hope that things could have been different and accept the reality of my experiences.
Through this journey, I’ve learned the importance of self-compassion and forgiveness—not necessarily for her, but for myself. Forgiving myself for the times I felt weak, for the moments I doubted my worth, and for the years it took to find my strength.
It’s hard to admit, but no one in my family truly knows how much I hated my mom. They didn’t see or understand the pain I went through, and they certainly never helped when I needed it the most. The guilt of hating her weighs heavily on me, especially because my family speaks so fondly of her. They always say she would be proud of me or that she loved me, but I know that’s not true. She never cared for me in the way a mother should. It’s a burden I carry alone, balancing the hurt she caused with the guilt of my feelings towards her.
Today, I honor my journey and the resilience it took to get here. I acknowledge the pain, but I also celebrate the growth and healing that have come from it. If you’re navigating a similar path, know that it’s okay to feel conflicted. Your feelings are valid, and your journey is uniquely yours.
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