🌙✨ The Memories I Don’t Have

I’ve been thinking a lot about memory lately, and it’s such a strange feeling to know you had a whole childhood but not really have it. I don’t remember most of it not the fun parts, not the silly moments, not the times where I was just a kid being a kid.

I only remember pieces, and most of those pieces are the sharp ones, the heavy ones, the ones that stuck because they hurt. And I hate that. I hate that there are no photos I can look back on, nothing I can hold in my hands to prove I existed in those softer moments. It’s like someone erased the good parts with the back of a pencil and left me with the outlines of things I wish I could feel again.

And it’s not just childhood. The past year feels like it’s been swallowed whole. I blocked out so much without even trying my brain just shut the door and walked away. It’s the weirdest thing when I’m talking to Izzy and she brings up something we did not that long ago, something tied to Emily, and I have absolutely nothing. No flicker, no image, no “oh yeah, I remember that.” Just blank space.

It’s like my brain decided that anything connected to that time wasn’t safe to keep, and it didn’t just erase the bad moments it took the good ones too. Even the fun memories with Emily are gone, and that’s such a wild thing to wrap my head around.

It’s crazy what trauma does to you. It doesn’t just take the pain it takes whole chunks of your life with it. Childhood, adulthood, everything in between. For a long time I thought forgetting meant something was wrong with me, like I was broken for not remembering the things everyone else seems to hold onto so easily. But I’m starting to understand that my brain wasn’t trying to punish me. It was trying to protect me in the only way it knew how. It’s not perfect and it’s definitely not fair, but it was doing its best with what it had. Maybe one day I’ll remember more, or maybe I won’t, but I’m still here. I’m still building new memories ones that feel safe, ones that feel like mine, ones I don’t have to run from. And that counts for something.

Okay byeee, love you, go drink water and do something gentle for yourself today 💗