I Don’t Know How To Be Sick

know this is going to sound ridiculous to some people, but it’s true: I don’t know how to be sick.

Last month I got sick twice like full-on cold or flu sick and my whole body was like “okay, time to shut down,” but my brain was still stuck in survival mode. And then there was my boyfriend, being the sweetest human alive, worrying about me, checking on me, making sure I was okay… and I didn’t know what to do with that. I didn’t know how to let myself be taken care of.

Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to be sick. If I was sick, things wouldn’t get done. If I was sick, it was an inconvenience. If I was sick, it meant I was “making excuses.”

So I learned to push through everything fevers, headaches, exhaustion, all of it. I learned to pretend I was fine even when I wasn’t. I learned that resting was “lazy” and that taking care of myself was something I had to earn.

And now, years later, my body is safe but my brain hasn’t caught up.

When I’m sick now, I still feel guilty for laying in bed. I still feel like I’m doing something wrong by resting. I still feel like I’m supposed to be up, cleaning, fixing, doing, proving. And when someone cares about me really cares I freeze. I don’t know how to accept softness I never got.

It’s weird how healing works. Sometimes it’s not the big things that show you where the wounds are. Sometimes it’s something as simple as a cold.

Because being sick shouldn’t make me feel guilty. Being cared for shouldn’t make me panic. Rest shouldn’t feel like a crime.

Okay byeee, love you, go drink water and do something gentle for yourself today 💗